Tiger Woods

photo via Cheezburger

Hell, there is no point in me trying to lead you in on this one. Here ya go…

A disgraced Tiger Woods is terrified that the worst news is yet to come – that he fathered love children with his mistresses! And his many liaisons may have been caught on tape!

The golf great had wild unprotected sex with a string of mistresses, sources tell The ENQUIRER- and now he fears claims that his out-of-control sexual proclivities may have produced children.

To make matters even worse, the 33-year-old sports star is reportedly worried that a lurid sex tape could appear and wreck his desperate attempts to cling onto the wreckage of his marriage to beauty and ex-model Elin Nordegren who has just bought a $2 million mansion in her native Sweden as a fail-safe escape house in case the marriage disintegrates.

National Enquirer

This is where I come in and crack some subtle jokes, make you laugh and ask why I haven’t received a Pulitzer yet, but not this time. No, for once I am going to take the serious side of things and ask myself what in the hell drives the world’s richest man to do things that drop his fortune by 90% in the span of a month? There is no female part worth that much. I figured there was no reason to bang my head against the desk when I could just go to Tiger and ask him myself what the deal was.

So Tiger, after all these women show up claiming that you have had sex with them, are there anymore people you are still looking to bang?

You are ridiculous man. Find a new hobby.

This is starting to get out of hand. A report by US Magazine states that 9 women have come out to claim they have had sex with Tiger since his marriage. One being a pornstar. Since this is all turning into a joke I have decided to make a game of it myself and predict what the final tally of women will be before the December 20th deadline (that is a random deadline). I’m going with 17.

He will fall one hole short of completing the course and play will be suspended due to bad weather.

Get this, the cow pictured above is the alleged pornstar that had a relationship with Tiger Woods, her name is Holly Sampson. Although she has come out and made these claims, she has no comment on the matter according to her attorney. How that makes any sense is beyond me, I am just a simple man who wishes nothing more that for peace on Earth.

If he hadn’t crashed that car this would’ve never happened. This is why George Jetson has yet to be caught. Can’t crash a hovercroft into a fire hydrant.

It’s Friday night. You are trying to woo your honey. You get her home. You light the candles. You get the oils out. Damn, you have no music! Don’t worry because Celebrific has your back on this one. Just play this Tiger Woods Voicemail Slow Jam Remix and she will be dropping her panties faster than the Dow Jones.

Produced by the cool cats over at It’s a Half Day Today. This might be in the running for YouTube video of the year, especially since I can’t remember the past 5,000 I saw in 2009.

Excuse me while I go and take a cold shower.

I just got done saying…

If I were her I still would’ve kept quiet to get a sweeter deal from Tiger, but these women have no business sense. If you are going to ruin marriages and destroy legacies you have to start with a well laid out plan.

Now reports are coming out that she cancelled her press conference today because Tiger’s people paid her $1 million to shut up. She had a grand scheme all this time and played it out to perfection!

We know how this will end though right? She will get a show/movie/book deal from this and get paid even more by telling the Tiger Affair Tale. Sneaky, sneaky.

Sometimes I wish I had a vagina so I could come up with schemes like this. This isn’t the reason why I wear pantyhose, I was just thinking out loud. My legs are sensitive and need protection, don’t judge me.

In unrelated news, I guarantee the next story won’t include Tiger Woods’ and the use of his putter.