Tiger Woods

It’s Friday night. You are trying to woo your honey. You get her home. You light the candles. You get the oils out. Damn, you have no music! Don’t worry because Celebrific has your back on this one. Just play this Tiger Woods Voicemail Slow Jam Remix and she will be dropping her panties faster than the Dow Jones.

Produced by the cool cats over at It’s a Half Day Today. This might be in the running for YouTube video of the year, especially since I can’t remember the past 5,000 I saw in 2009.

Excuse me while I go and take a cold shower.

I just got done saying…

If I were her I still would’ve kept quiet to get a sweeter deal from Tiger, but these women have no business sense. If you are going to ruin marriages and destroy legacies you have to start with a well laid out plan.

Now reports are coming out that she cancelled her press conference today because Tiger’s people paid her $1 million to shut up. She had a grand scheme all this time and played it out to perfection!

We know how this will end though right? She will get a show/movie/book deal from this and get paid even more by telling the Tiger Affair Tale. Sneaky, sneaky.

Sometimes I wish I had a vagina so I could come up with schemes like this. This isn’t the reason why I wear pantyhose, I was just thinking out loud. My legs are sensitive and need protection, don’t judge me.

In unrelated news, I guarantee the next story won’t include Tiger Woods’ and the use of his putter.

When you are trying to re-negotiate a prenup with your billion dollar husband there is only one way to go about it.

This happened faster than I thought. According to the Sun Times, Tiger’s wife, Elin, is being paid a hefty 7 figures to stick with her man. Now that is a sign of a healthy relationship. You just pay the woman to stay married to you. I mean, all Kobe did was buy her a ring so as you can see Tiger has upped the ante. Next professional athlete to get caught cheating is in trouble as he will probably have to offer the naming rights of a stadium to his spouse.

They are also doing some intense marriage counseling because, well because their marriage is screwed up. Can you imagine how that session will go?

Elin: I love my husband…s money doc, but I just don’t know if I can take the cheating and lying…to myself that I really do love him.

Doc: Tiger, anything to say?

Tiger: Hold on, let me finish sending this text.

Again, we have to take it back to Tiger to see how he feels about giving up a cool 7 figures to his wife and having her redo their prenup.

We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.