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Celebrific

Tracking Celebrities in Their Native Habitat

MrAlmostWrong

Vida Guerra, doing what she does best

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Before Kim Kardashian stepped out on to the scene with her ability to transfix the human vortex there was Vida Guerra. You are all too young to remember her fleeting fame on the internet, but she was purely famous because of her butt. She couldn’t act, couldn’t sing, and I’m not sure if she can even talk.

In fact, I’m not sure how she is still getting invited to events. I’m pretty sure she just wears outfits like this and by the time someone realizes that she isn’t on the list to get in it is too late. I mean if a woman looking like this and wearing this outfit showed up to your private party would you turn her away?

Wait here for a second while I go and do some research. Wow, forgive me Ms. Guerra. Apparently she was in National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze 2 and has released an album. So you did in fact cash in on your useless fame. I can’t hate on you for that.

However, you must realize your strengths and that is bikini, lingerie and nude modeling. I feel you can make a huge difference in this world by sticking with these activities. Be smart, save the world.

Tyra Banks and her show got cancelled

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Here is Tyra Banks when she didn’t talk. She did what she does best and that is show some skin. Now? All we think about is how annoying she is with her talk show. She has pretended to be fat, a bum and horse manure gatherer…okay I made that last one up.

I mean I am all for expanding your limits and trying something new, but don’t try something new that makes you completely annoying to everyone on planet Earth.

This will be the last season of The Tyra Show. I’ve been loving having fun, coming into your living rooms, bedrooms, hair salons for the past 5 years. My next huge steps will allow me to reach more women and young girls to help us all feel as fierce as we truly are.
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I’d probably have fun to if she actually did come into my bedroom, but I don’t remember that night. And really Tyra, hair salons? You can do better than that. Say you had a great time coming into our spas and resorts at least, not our ghetto saloons. Damn, I said saloon and not salon. Not sure what a saloon is, but cowboys seem to enjoy them.

I’m pretty sure women only wore bikinis in them.

Alyssa Milano ‘Cooking’ Nude

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I, um, don’t even know what to say about this pic. It was taken by Dave LaChappelle who of course is a photography genius, but even this one might be too out there for him. Also this photo gives me too much to work with that I am having a hard time narrowing down the angle I want to go with it.

Do I focus on the weird eye makeup? The wearing a pot top as a hat? The leather gloves? The perfectly flipped eggs? No, I will focus on none of those things. Instead I will look at the horrible wall tiling behind her. Who would actually have a ceramic, checkerboard in their kitchen? Definitely not someone of the standard that Alyssa Milano is set at.

And seriously, if you are going to date a hot woman, make sure she doesn’t make a mess of things in the kitchen. Cooking naked is great, but wouldn’t your only thoughts be “great, look at the mess I have to clean up”? She isn’t even trying to put the egg in her hand into the pan.

Looks good. Fun enough personality to do crazy things. Makes a mess of things in the kitchen and you have to even question her ability to cook. This picture almost spoiled my appetite for eggs and Alyssa Milano. Almost.

Scared to see what she would do with spaghetti.

Olivia Wilde is…wait for it…wait…wait…wild!

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Olivia Wilde

You think the headline was cheesy? Please, I have done cheesier stuff to win the affection of Ms. Wilde. I once dressed up as a giant donut outside of her house and sang Wild Thing. Why? The donut was a big ‘O’ and represented Olivia and of course the song was about her. It was a perfect analogy of our love and like the donut, our love was quickly gobbled up by a fatty.

Who was the fatty? Imagination. Imagination isn’t a fatty you say? Well it was simply my imagination that I did these things to win her over and when I realized it was not a reality it got gobbled up into thin air.

You see how that works?

Yeah so um she is hot in an alien looking way. I’m not sure if her head is growing and is about to explode or she had some surgery to make her look cartoonish. It is a hot type of cartoonish though so it is all good.

Sorry, I lost $10,000 on the Colts yesterday so I am paying small New Zealanders to write for me.

Ashley Tisdale is Alice in Wonderland?

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Ashley Tisdale

There are so many things that baffle me about this photo that I don’t even have words in German to describe it. There is a whole set of these for her new album, but I couldn’t bring myself to post them. She is young so I can only hope she is doing collagen injections on her lips already. The world knows she got a bit of a nose job, but that is understandable, however there is no reason to get the fatty lip injection.

Remember when Hilary Duff got them and she came out all weird looking? Now it doesn’t even appear as if she has lips. This was a very tricky outfit for Ashley to pull off though. I want to stare at her lips to help gain a better understanding of life, however I am also drawn to the ridiculous stockings that she is wearing. I literally have one eye up and one eye down. I am a bit concerned that I might get permanent sticky face.

It must suck for her being lost in the Zac Effron / Vanessa Hudgens spotlight, but she will break out of it eventually because she has that bitchy attitude thing going for her. Disney is just keeping her in the shadows until Miley turns hooker and can pull of anymore tricks.

Sorry, I lost my train of thought there as I went back to look at her lips and now I find myself strangely attracted to them. This woman is a witch I tell you. I knew I should’ve returned her calls.