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Celebrific

Tracking Celebrities in Their Native Habitat

MrAlmostWrong

Something about tennis involving Brooklyn Decker

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With the Australian Open happening now I thought it would be fitting to do a post on a tennis person. I didn’t like any of them so I figured I would do a post on the wife of a tennis player who is still in the tournament, but I won’t mention his name because this post isn’t about him. It is about his wife who has a cool ass name. Seriously, it isn’t enough that she is hot, but having a cool name like Brooklyn means you have to put the ring on her finger.

My wife (yeah right like I’m getting married) is going to have a cool name because I have a very plain name. I like my name, but it is plain. It’s so bad that if I was named Mike Mike Mike it would be more fitting than what my name is now. Now I have to go find someone that has three of the same names. I have decided that the coolest name in the world would be Bob Bob Bob. And it’s an anagram!

Oh man, sorry Brooklyn, I know you usually get all the attention, but Bob Bob Bob gets it now because he has the name with the skills to pay the bills. Bob Bob Bob is where it is at this week folks and don’t you forget it.

Ever.

David Boreanaz is a cool cat

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Angel. Bones. These are shows women love. These are shows that he stars in. This means you need to hangout with him so you can get his residual women. If you don’t understand the concept of residual women then you have been missing out for a very long time. Eventually you will come across someone that is better with women than you are. It is possible this happens to you daily, but if not eventually it will happen.

Most men in these situations like to fight forces and use their ego to try to overpower the dominant male. This is a mistake, you have to use his powers to your own advantage. Now I can’t write a whole guide to how this is done exactly, but once you hang around enough of them you begin to get the hang of things.

Just sit there and be a good friend and it will all work out. Actually, you don’t have to be a good friend, just a polite man standing next to the man getting all the women. Toss in a joke from time to time and you are golden brown like a tatertot.

Everyone loves tatertots.

Eva LaRue, I miss you

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Ever since you entered my life on All My Children I have fantasized about the day we would meet. I loved your ability to grab a cheesy script and making it believable. It didn’t matter if the town mayor was really an alien or that your mother and father were twins separated at birth. You grasped the role with the dedication of a snake eating a goat.

It was truly beautiful and I am grateful for that time period. Now you are on CSI: Miami and nothing has changed. You are wonderful and I still await the day that we meet. We will eat sushi and laugh over 10 bottles of plum wine. When you eat a piece that has too much wasabi hidden beneath the fish you will make a face that has us both laughing later on.

When I drop you off at home you invite me in and we watch reruns of your shows. I touch the back of your neck and tell you that I can’t believe that you are still 27 years old. You tell me you are really 43 years old and the dream suddenly ends. It’s as if I have been awoken from a dream. You are too old for me. I must go.

Oh, and you owe me for your half of the dinner bill.

Lady GaGa, Because It’s Monday

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I wish I had some other reason for posting a pic of Lady GaGa from her Elle magazine photoshoot, but I don’t. Really I don’t. I like her music and you can’t say she isn’t talented. She is a pop culture icon now because she is so weird. No other reason. Her weirdness is somewhat addicting, but to the point where you don’t get obsessed with it. There has to be a name for this phenomenon. Someone look it up for me.

To help summarize what I am saying, it’s like cheering for an ugly person to win a race, but if they don’t win it doesn’t matter to you. You just feel good cheering for them. You want Lady GaGa to make it big for being weird because then it almost justifies you being weird for a little bit in your life.

If the ugly person wins the race you start to feel like you can win the race just because you look better than them. No other reason. Just that. Amazing how it works and that is why it is a phenomenon. If anything we can call it the Celebrific Corally. Nope that isn’t a word and I didn’t misspell it.

Keira Knightley can Knight me any time

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Keira Knightley is Hot

Yes I meant for that to be a sexual reference, but I don’t think it worked out to be one. I love her. I know I say I love a lot of the celebrities that are on here, but this one I really love. Like more than the others with the exception of Natalie Portman. Ironically, Keira was the Natalie body double in that trashy Star Wars movie. Not sure how that worked out, but it worked out fine for me because my two ladies were put together and it was bliss. Not even JarJar Binks could ruin that for me.

That’s what I’m talking about. Don’t you hate when people say that when there is nothing they are actually talking about? It pisses me off.

I don’t know man. That’s another thing that pisses me off. You don’t know what? Why did you just say that? Now I don’t know man because you didn’t justify you saying that in the first place. You have left me in a state of chaos that shakes the heavens to their core.

I have been knighted and am getting some tonight from a damsel in distress. After she slays the dragon. Oh, I think I’m supposed to do that. Nah, she can handle it.