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Celebrific

Tracking Celebrities in Their Native Habitat

Allison

What Happened to Our Pal, Val?

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Val Edward Kilmer, born December 31, 1959 in the sleepy little town of Los Angeles. He stole our hearts in ‘Willow’; charmed us in ‘Tombstone’ and brought tears to these very eyes in “A Salton Sea.” What has happened to the sexy, mysterious man we longed to touch & to save? Who has replaced this creature with the fat, celluloidious man we see today? Who was actually cast in ‘Alexander’? Val, you hot beast, where are you?

It looks like Val, like so many fallen actors, has been taken. Taken by the enemy- taken by what we all try to avoid, try to hide from by the skin of our teeth- FAT. Our poor Val, our poor Chris Penn. What are we doing to ourselves? Why must the Snickers, the Kit Kat, the delicious double ice cream sundae drag us all down? Why? I think you know the answer.

A lesson we should all take to heart, for those unfortunate flabby folks sitting at home on pins & needles anxiously reading every word, don’t worry- celebrities are fat too.

Val’s personal website link: http://www.valkilmer.com/

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Curious George O’Dowd

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boy george.jpgBeing a celeb has its many dues- fame, fortune, being a perpetual guest on SNL and of course, all the chocolate you could ever want. But do you know what really gets me? What I would want most of all? The undeniable ability to get out of troublesome situations, aka- the ability to get out of shit. Hmmm, let’s name a few of these fortunate folks: the most impressive first, OJ; moving on to the new look of Stetson, Matthew McConaughey & we can’t leave out the always odd Dennis Rodman. An occasional brush with the law, always ending with, “Hey, aren’t you that Stetson guy?”.

Boy George, or as his mother knows him- George O’Dowd, was arrested last October when he falsely reported a robbery at his residence as well as having a small stash of cocaine next to his computer. The former Culture Club frontman arrived at a criminal court in Manhattan yesterday to answer to these charges. His defense- the robbery was real and the drugs did not belong to his person.

Wow! Can I try that someday? I’ll jack a car, smoke some hash, run a red light, get pulled over by the coppers and say, “I was forced to take this Lexus by mischievous aliens, this hash came with the car and I know that light was yellow when I cruised thru it.” And do you know what they would say, anxious reader? They would not say, aren’t you that GossipyGower that lightens our day with your verbal antics. I doubt they would say much at all, and neither would I during the beatings, feeling the cold stolen Lexus on my stomach as I’m cuffed and taken to jail, prosecuted by my peers and rushed to prison where I would spend my days just wishing I could have been an O’Dowd.

Boy George has been freed on bail pending a trial that has not yet been scheduled. I have to raise this extra hot almond latte to you, fine sir. May the bonds of incarceration never touch those fine & delicate features.

Destiny’s Destiny Remains Undefined

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Well, it looks like the Beyonce troupe will never say goodbye. It all just feels so familiar, like the ’72 Bowie retirement announcement, or the Kiss goodbye, or even the Eagles, The Who and the all-time cakesniffer herself, Cher.

Last November Jimmy Kimmel dedicated an entire show, a first for the ABCer, to the purported adieu of Beyonce Knowles, Kelly Rowland & Michelle Williams. Now, three months after their exhaustedly promoted farewell performance, the eight-time Grammy winners are scheduled to reunite for yet another go round at the 2006 NBA All-Star game in Houston February 19.

While the trio have billed the show as its final adios, Rowland said a reunion would not be out of the question. “You never know,” said Rowland when asked if the group might re-team in the future. “I think the most beautiful thing is that we’re not parting because there were problems. We’re parting because we’re celebrating each other’s growth.”

As for the ladies, Knowles, who won middle-of-the road praise in Austin Powers, Goldmember, can be seen in theatres February 10 in the remake of The Pink Panther– keep your eyes open for GossipyGower’s review. Rowland has her second album due out at your local music store June 13, while Williams’ next Christian music project may be available this summer.

I’m absolutely certain that gaggling thousands will be tuned into TNT for the All-Star, long awaited reunion of Destiny’s Child. I, myself, can’t wait for the 2007 reunion, and all those following. Cheers.

Straight from Punxsutawney Phil, Six More Weeks of Winter

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Straight from Gobbler’s Knob, Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow. In a tradition going on 120 years, the Philadelphia resident celebrity groundhog has proclaimed six more weeks of this grueling winter season.

In an eloquent, impromptu speech, Phil stilled the audience with the following words:

“It is said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Around the country there are many imitators of me.
In Harrisburg there is Gus who appears on TV working for the lottery.
Then all around town, cute groundhog statues abound. They all look like me, I found.
Today on the Knob as I’m doing my job, I don’t like this likeness of me.
It’s my shadow I see. Six more weeks of mild winter there will be.”

Phil has said it all, who knew a member of the rodent family could hold such wisdom? Bundle up everyone, we’re in for another six weeks of moderate temperatures and suffering ski resort profits.