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Celebrific

Tracking Celebrities in Their Native Habitat

Allison

Jakey Boy Embraces New Role As Godfather

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The Superficial, always dependably hilarious and devious has some words on old Jakey boy.

“Brokeback Mountain co-stars Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger have become so close that Ledger has asked Gyllenhaal to be godfather to his 4-month-old daughter Matilda. Gyllenhaal credits the movie with building a unique bond between them. He says, “Heath and I are best friends now — making the film was very intense for us. I’m actually godfather to Heath’s daughter Matilda, which is an amazing honor. Almost as amazing as the night he covered me in warm cocoa and called me Mr. Pickles. I think he might have been drunk.”

Ok, I may have doctored those last two lines a bit. This is a nice, heartwarming story, so I don’t really have much to say. But I’ll be curious to see little Matilda’s reaction to all this as she grows up. In most circumstances, stumbling across a DVD of Dad having sex with your godfather can lead to some awkward questions. Particularly if they’re both dressed as mimes. And weeping. And using your bed. And you get the DVD for Christmas.”

Ahhh, they always tickle my fancy, that Superficial.   

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Robert DeNiro’s Jewel-Theif Maid Off To Prison

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Lucyna Turyk-Wawrynowicz (I would never remember how to spell my last name if I had that doozie) was sentenced Tuesday to one to three years in prison by a judge who said the defendant was “cleaning out” her celebrity employers’ valuables while cleaning their homes.  Lucyna, who is an illegal alien from Poland (I could not restrain myself to show this in the above pic), pleaded guilty to grand larceny, forgery and identity theft.

When she pleaded guilty Feb. 8, Lucyna admitted to stealing a pair of diamond earrings from her client Robert DeNiro’s wife, Grace Hightower.  Manhattan District Attorney Anne Schwartz stated that the earrings were valued at $100,000.  Well, that is a lot of bills to be wearing around one’s earlobes.

What I wonder is what kind of agency hires these ladies for such high-end clients?  Can I just put in an application to be Carrot Top’s maid, without any kind of background check?  You would think that if you were going to hire a housekeeper for say, Prince, you would make sure they were not in the country illegally.  But this could work in our favor, I could take photos, while hiding in the coat closet, when Carrot Top comes home and takes off his head, revealing that he really is Liza Minelli!  I think I see an opening here.  Who’s with me?

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The grossly-veined individual to your left truly is the Carrot Top.

Lohan Says No to Teen Queen

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The 19-year-old actress and pop singer, Lindsay Lohan denies her status as “Teen Queen” in the March issue of Allure magazine.

“I hate it when people call me a teen queen.” 

Sure, I can see that would be a little annoying, however true.  Her entourage, which includes a personal assistant, an icy publicist and always an in-tow friend takes care of every need of this little real-life Drama Queen.  From a hankering for a McDonald’s happy meal to a napkin while she vomits up the happy meal, they are at her beck and call. 

She recently worked on a more grown-up role acting opposite Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin & Tommy Lee Jones in Robert Altman’s A Prairie Home Companion due out this July.  I’m sure the rest of the cast was just tickled to death to work with such a mature and delightful young lady.  Who knows, maybe she found a consoling ear in Streep and they spent the days away talking about Wilmer Valderram’s insensitivity and lack of commitment, that was after the topless pillow fights of course.

Lindsay went on to say that the past year, “felt like five lifetimes because I’ve grown up a lot.  I know better what to do and what not to do (in bed).  I lost sight of the people and the things that are most important to me (in bed).” 

OK, I couldn’t help inserting the infamous fortune cookie add-on, it made what Lindsay said almost interesting.

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I See London, I See France- I See Paris’ Underpants!

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Take some time with this pic.  No, don’t go to the bathroom, shut the door, grab the lube and never come out- take a look at what’s going on.

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First, the obvious: the now famous and most-written-about-on-bathroom-walls open legs of Paris Hilton.  Almost, but not quite, boring by now. Then move your eyes downwards.  Is that a leg on the sofa next to her?  Keep going. It appears to be a young lady on her knees, holding her hair back and probably not looking for a lost contact; I believe the lady has split her cookies. 

You have at least five gentlemen looking on at this scene.  I think the tan gentleman to the left might be questioning our earring-ed fellow to the right, “I say, Simon- is there an open porn market for Paris’ crotch and a hot vomiting dame?”  And then suddenly R Kelly appears on the scene, “Hot vomiting dame?  Did I hear someone say ‘hot vomiting babe?'”

And then there’s the vixen herself.  I assume, and quite frankly hope, that the girl is drunk.  The oblivious laughter coming out of her plastered face as well as the lack of concern that she is not only showing the goods to those present that evening, but soon to the world- just has to make you wonder about the raising of this young chick. 

But then there’s the “carpe diem” approach I’m sure Paris has taken to her philosophical heart.  She’s thinking, “I won’t be beautiful forever, I’m young now, I’ve got the goods to show, when I’m older and in charge of my Hilton empire I’ll know- I’ve done something, by god!”

Hah!

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The Truth Behind the Makeup: Marilyn Manson

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Marilyn Manson, born Brian Warner, recently made headlines not with humping another head or more outlandish or videogamesque costumes; no the bachelor has been taken off the market.  Last December the shock rocker married burlesque dancer Dita Von Tesse, or as her mother knows her- Heather Sweet.  The ceremony took place in Kilsheelan, County Tipperary, Ireland, at Castle Gurteen, the home of the couple’s friend, controversial artist Gottfried Helnwein.  Manson & Tesse began dating over five years ago and appear to have not looked back since; this is the first marriage for both. 

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All that’s well & good, but what I want to know is about the makeup.  I feel certain that cosmetic stores worldwide get quite tingly at the slightest mention of a Marilyn Manson tour date.  Ye gods, the application alone must take pounds of foundation and cascading wallets of cash.  I would think Dita gets more lipstick on her collar these days than Manson. 

 

 

 

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It’s been over a decade since we first saw the makeup-donning Manson, and I have to wonder, will the persona ever end?  After the Clearasil, the lipstick on your teeth, leaving marks on the pillow- wouldn’t that be enough for anyone?  But I’m not so sure we’re ready for that.  I don’t think the Manson seen at right will move crowds to line up their cash for CD’s and overpriced concert tickets.  You be the judge, Marilyn Manson without makeup- sexy or just plain wrong?

 

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